First the influencers and manosphere loons added protein to ice cream, and I did not care because I rarely eat ice cream. Then they added it to popcorn, and I did not care because I rarely eat popcorn. Now they’re adding it to coffee creamer, and I am forced to care because I am hopelessly addicted to coffee, caffeine, and anything even remotely gimmicky in this space.
Memes aside, protein feels is everywhere these days. The usual suspects blame it on the rise of wellness culture, the rightward lurch of America’s political gestalt, and the noxious fumes emitted by the sputtering late-stage capitalist machine we’re all strapped into, whether we like it or not. The proverbial ship is sinking. You might as well get jacked and do your part to keep the economy whirring while you can.
Protein is not the only thing intrepid Shopify-powered wellness brands are encouraging you to add to coffee, but it’s certainly the most high-profile and zeitgeist-y adjunct to pour into your daily brew. Mushroom extracts, nootropics, amino acids, collagen, and a bevy of other chemical compounds purported to make your brain fire on all cylinders are all fair game here, which means the possibilities in this space are nearly endless. Coffee may be the final frontier of protein creep, and we are absolutely here for it.
To get a lay of the land, I rigorously tested eight readily available functional coffee add-ins to determine which are legit and which are losers. I spent a week with each, adding the dosage detailed in the serving size section of the nutrition facts panel to an 8-ounce cup of coffee. A few explicitly instructed us to add the dose to a larger cup of liquid, in which case we upped the amount of coffee used as a base. The coffee I used was a single-origin Guatemalan bean roasted by Atlas Coffee Club. It was brewed in a Fellow Aiden on the light roast Guided Brew setting in 5-cup batches.
Be sure to check out our many coffee-related buying guides, including the Best Drip Coffee Makers, the Best Coffee Subscriptions, the Best Coffee Concentrates, and the Best Gifts for Coffee Lovers.
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